Viktoriia Babakova: "Honest conversation about one's own needs requires vulnerability"

Intimacy almost always begins where control ends. In relationships, we become especially open to our own fears, expectations and needs, and what on the surface may seem like an argument about words often has a much deeper emotional background.

In a new interview with certified psychologist Viktoriia Babakova, we talk about why honest openness of feelings is more difficult than defending one's own rightness, how conflict can become a point of rapprochement, why silence does not always mean peace and what happens to relationships when partners expect each other to be able to read minds. Separately, we touch on post-conflict reflection and how it helps turn complex experiences into a new understanding of yourself and your partner.

They talked about the ability to choose yourself without losing intimacy, about self-esteem, reciprocity and that delicate balance in which two remain. About a relationship where being around doesn't mean sto stop being yourself.

More and more often you can hear the idea that one day a person simply stops knocking on closed doors and chooses himself. This decision is rarely born by chance - behind it is almost always internal work, experience and rethinking one's own boundaries. Ms. Viktoriia, do you remember the moment when you realized that psychology would be the tool through which you would help people build mature relationships - especially with yourself?

It didn't work out for me in an instant. I went to this gradually. It all started with the fact that I resigned from the position of head of the pharmacy. I moved to live in another city and there, at a new job, I got into a team where abuse, devaluation, gossip, violation of personal boundaries were the daily norm.

I stayed there for 2 months, fortunately. This experience made it clear to me, “You have to change something in your life.” But how? And where? I didn't understand yet. And in six months I went to a psychologist for the first time. A little later, I was lucky enough to take several psychotherapeutic courses on the topics "Self-love", "Conflicts", "Relationships". In these courses, I fell in love with family psychology, the topic "Conflicts" and "Relationships". I realized that I wanted to dive into them even more.

I used to be afraid of conflict. I often lost to them or tried to avoid them. I began to study family psychology and conflict. Much of what I learned, I applied in my relationship with my husband. It had its positive effects. And as a result, it influenced my decision to become a psychologist and help men and women build happy mature relationships.

Today, conflict is most often perceived as a sign of problematic relationships. You talk about it as a space in which people can not distance themselves, but on the contrary - become closer to each other. At what point do you think the conflict ceases to destroy and begins to develop relationships?

Oddly enough, through conflict, relationships can be improved if you have a goal to have a cool close resource relationship. Because conflict is just a clash of different views, values, interests or needs. Conflict begins to develop relationships not when people stop quarreling, but when they stop fighting each other and start looking for solutions together.

Conflict becomes a point of growth when:

Partners talk about their feelings, not blame;

Listen to understand, not to win a dispute;

Respect each other's personal boundaries even in the moment of strong emotions;

After a quarrel, they can restore contact and draw conclusions.

Instead, a conflict destroys a relationship when it causes humiliation, devaluation, silent punishment, manipulation, or a desire to "win" a partner at any cost.

Paradoxically, it is constructively lived conflicts that often make relationships stronger. Because they give us the opportunity to draw conclusions, record new experiences and new knowledge about each other and about our relationships. This is how we get to know each other better through conflict.

Thanks to the conflict, partners create an experience: "We can be different, we may not agree, but we still remain a team."

You work with topics that affect almost every person: love, personal boundaries, intimacy, conflicts, divorce, loss of trust. Why, in your opinion, relationships remain the area in which even successful, educated and self-sufficient people often feel defenseless?

Because it is in close relationships that we become the most open. In work, you can rely on knowledge, in finance — on your experience and control, in everyday life — on skills. But in love does not work full control or knowledge.

Relationships touch our deepest needs: to be accepted, important, loved and not abandoned. That's why even a very successful person can feel strong anxiety, jealousy, fear of rejection or insecurity.

In addition, in close relationships, scenarios formed in childhood are often activated. If a person has ever experienced criticism, devaluation, rejection, lack of attention or unpredictability in relationships with loved ones, then in adulthood these experiences can reappear next to a partner.

That is why education, high income or professional success do not guarantee internal confidence in a relationship. Emotional intimacy requires not only knowledge, but also the ability to be vulnerable, trust, talk about your needs, endure uncertainty, build healthy boundaries and resolve conflicts.

When it comes to conflicts, unfortunately, not everyone understands that conflicts in relationships are normal and should be if we want to grow as a married couple.

Because of conflicts, we rub against each other in a relationship. We also know ourselves through each other.

Today, conflict is most often perceived as a sign of problematic relationships. You talk about it as a space in which people can not distance themselves, but on the contrary - become closer to each other. At what point do you think the conflict ceases to destroy and begins to develop relationships?

Oddly enough, through conflict, relationships can be improved if you have a goal to have a cool close resource relationship. Because conflict is just a clash of different views, values, interests or needs. Conflict begins to develop relationships not when people stop quarreling, but when they stop fighting each other and start looking for solutions together.

Conflict becomes a point of growth when:

Partners talk about their feelings, not blame;

Listen to understand, not to win a dispute;

Respect each other's personal boundaries even in the moment of strong emotions;

After a quarrel, they can restore contact and draw conclusions.

Instead, a conflict destroys a relationship when it causes humiliation, devaluation, silent punishment, manipulation, or a desire to "win" a partner at any cost.

Paradoxically, it is constructively lived conflicts that often make relationships stronger. Because they give us the opportunity to draw conclusions, record new experiences and new knowledge about each other and about our relationships. This is how we get to know each other better through conflict.

Thanks to the conflict, partners create an experience: "We can be different, we may not agree, but we still remain a team."

In your practice, you talk about the style of collaboration as one of the most difficult ways to resolve conflicts. Why does he demand the greatest inner maturity from both partners?

In conflict, the natural reaction is often psychological protection: to prove yourself right, convince, avoid talking or give in for peace. Cooperation offers a completely different approach: not to look for a winner, but to look for a solution that will take into account the needs of both.

To do this, you need to be able, first of all, to realize and name your own feelings and needs. Secondly, to be able to listen to a partner without the desire to immediately object or justify himself. Third, to be able to withstand the discomfort of the fact that another person sees the situation differently. And also to be able to abandon the fight for rightness in favor of the search for mutual understanding. And also to take responsibility for your part of the conflict.

The biggest difficulty is that collaboration requires mature vulnerability. It's much easier to say, "You're wrong" than, "I'm hurt," "I feel unheard," or "Your support is important to me."

In your practice, you talk about the style of collaboration as one of the most difficult ways to resolve conflicts. Why does he demand the greatest inner maturity from both partners?

In conflict, the natural reaction is often psychological protection: to prove yourself right, convince, avoid talking or give in for peace. Cooperation offers a completely different approach: not to look for a winner, but to look for a solution that will take into account the needs of both.

To do this, you need to be able, first of all, to realize and name your own feelings and needs. Secondly, to be able to listen to a partner without the desire to immediately object or justify himself. Third, to be able to withstand the discomfort of the fact that another person sees the situation differently. And also to be able to abandon the fight for rightness in favor of the search for mutual understanding. And also to take responsibility for your part of the conflict.

The biggest difficulty is that collaboration requires mature vulnerability. It's much easier to say, "You're wrong" than, "I'm hurt," "I feel unheard," or "Your support is important to me."

Many couples try to avoid difficult conversations, hoping that time will solve everything on its own. How dangerous can such silence be for a relationship?

Silence in itself is not always a problem. Sometimes a silent pause is needed to calm down, understand your emotions and return to the conversation in a more balanced state. It becomes dangerous when it turns into a way to avoid problems.

When partners do not talk about what worries them, the conflict rarely disappears. More often it accumulates. Unspoken grievances, disappointments, and unsatisfied needs gradually create emotional distance. Over time, people may stop quarreling not because they have learned to understand each other, but because they have lost faith in being heard.

Especially dangerous is the so-called "emotional silence", when partners continue to live together, perform daily duties, but stop sharing their experiences, fears, joys and needs. On the outside, such relationships may look calm, but on the inside they gradually lose intimacy.

Therefore, it is necessary to talk frankly about what we do not like, and what needs, interests or values were not satisfied, ignored or violated. After all, we are not psychics, we do not know how to read each other's minds. We can't know absolutely everything about our partner. We rarely studied ourselves completely. What to say about another person, even about a close one. And let it sometimes seem to us that we know our partner very well, but this is an illusion.

No matter how it sounds, people do not know how to read each other's minds, although they are often convinced, oddly enough, of the opposite. Why exactly this illusion of “he should understand me anyway” becomes the cause of many crises?

This illusion arises from a very natural human desire: to be deeply understood and accepted. We want to believe that if a person loves us, he will intuitively feel when we are hurt, understand what we need, and guess how to support us.

But the reality is that even the closest people can't read our minds. They only see our behavior, not what's behind it. For example, silence can hide resentment, fatigue, fear or just a desire to be alone. Without an open conversation, the partner is only forced to guess, and his guesses do not always coincide with our experiences.

That is why many conflicts arise also because of unexpressed expectations. One partner expects the other to guess, the other does not even know about these expectations, and as a result, both feel disappointed and unheared.

Mature relationships begin where people stop testing each other's ability to "read minds" and instead learn to speak openly about their feelings and needs.

After any conflict, in your opinion, it is important to ask yourself: “What was that?”. Why does reflection after a complex conversation often turn out to be more valuable than the argument itself?

Reflection after conflict is the moment when emotions gradually subside and there is an opportunity to see not only what happened, but also why it happened. That is why it often turns out to be more valuable than the dispute itself.

During conflict, our brain is mainly focused on protection: we prove our rightness, react to the words of our partner, try to be heard. In this state, it is difficult to notice your own feelings, needs or automatic reactions.

After reflection, it often turns out that the subject of the dispute was only an excuse. It could be the fear of being rejected, the need for recognition, the desire to feel support or the need for security. And if this is not realized, the next conflict will most likely unfold according to the same scenario, but only for a different reason.

Reflection also helps to take responsibility for your part of the conflict. Not in the sense of self-blame, but in the sense of an honest question: "What can I do differently next time?" This is what turns conflict from a painful experience into a source of personal growth.

More and more often there is a fairly popular opinion about the need to “choose yourself”. But where, in your opinion, is the line between healthy self-esteem and indifference to the needs of another person?

The idea of "choosing yourself" became very popular, because many people really lived in a mode of constant adaptation for a long time: they put other people's needs above their own, were afraid to refuse, neglected their feelings in order to preserve relationships. In this context, choosing yourself can be an important step towards a healthier attitude towards yourself.

But self-respect does not mean that one's own needs are always more important than the needs of another person. Healthy self-care is not built on the principle of "I choose myself instead of you", it sounds more like: "I do not give up on myself, but I also see you".

The line passes where the reciprocity ends.

For example, saying: "I need to rest, so today I want to be alone" - and it will be a manifestation of self-esteem. And to say, "I don't care how you feel, I'll always do what I want." It is no longer about healthy limits, but about neglect of relationships.

Mature relationships do not require constant self-sacrifice, but they are not built on the constant choice of only yourself. They have room for two people: "I am important" and "You are important".

Perhaps the real balance is not to choose between yourself and another person, but to learn to be around someone without losing yourself.

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