Khrystyna Pavliukh: “When a Woman Is Emotionally Mature and Knows Where Her Boundaries Lie, She Knows How to Show Them So Beautifully.”
Choosing yourself is rarely about a single decision. Behind it lie the refusal of familiar patterns, honest questions directed inward, and the willingness to reconsider relationships, professional ambitions, and your own relationship with your body.
Psychologist Khrystyna Pavliukh works with women at the points where familiar life no longer corresponds to their inner needs: when exhaustion accumulates, the sense of fulfillment disappears, the body becomes a constant source of conflict, and fear keeps a woman in relationships she has long wanted to leave. She also mentors aspiring psychologists and dreams of creating her own school of psychology, where theoretical knowledge would be combined with a deep understanding of the human being.
In her conversation with BOMOND VIP, Khrystyna Pavliukh speaks about inner stability and the price of living according to other people’s expectations, the connection between thoughts, emotions, and the body, fear as the foundation of emotional dependence, and the possibility of building a fulfilling professional life without sacrificing one’s personal life.
It is a conversation about a woman who is not searching for a universal formula for harmony, but learning to ask herself the most important question: “What do I want?”
Ms. Khrystyna, I would like to begin today’s interview with words of yours that, I am certain, may prove transformative for many women: “When we give up our dreams for someone else, we betray ourselves internally.” Tell us, please, where did your own story begin — from choosing yourself and your dreams to finding your calling as a psychologist?
Thank you for this question. I think my answer will resonate with many women. I see this in my clients: when a person gives up their own dreams and sacrifices themselves, they are, in doing so, betraying themselves. And then everything begins to repeat itself — betrayal by partners, betrayal by people close to them, until the person finds themselves in an extremely difficult emotional state, almost at rock bottom. And it is precisely from there that they begin to rise and build their inner foundation.
It is neither good nor bad. It is simply how this works. That is why it is so important to ask yourself: Where is my fulfillment? What do I want? How can I reconcile that with my roles as a wife, daughter, sister, and professional? This is extraordinarily important because when we choose ourselves, the world begins to choose us.
Mothers often experience the greatest sense of hurt around this. They say, “I gave everything to my children, and then they grew up and left to live their own lives.” And that is normal. A woman gives a great deal of her time and resources to her family, husband, and children. But the key is to find a balance.
I, too, lost myself once, long before I became a psychologist. I was an extraordinarily “good girl” who wanted to help everyone. And it was precisely through this constant helping, through being a perpetual volunteer, that I burned myself out completely. I experienced burnout in 2016, and I literally had to put myself back together piece by piece.
I always say that I am like a Phoenix who burned to ashes and was reborn. That became my point of departure. I realized that I could no longer live that way. That was when I entered the field of psychology, which became my third degree. I understood that if I had the resources, I could and should help people.
Today, I explain to my clients and students how important it is to preserve that resource and follow the calling of your heart. There was a time when I would shut myself away in an office, work day and night at a computer, speak to no one, and convince myself that I was comfortable that way.
In reality, it was a path nowhere. I was “burning through” my talent without allowing myself to express it as I was meant to. Now, through working with my own consciousness, I understand that my task is to teach people, share knowledge and experience, and help them through transformation.
As long as I did not allow myself to live that talent, I experienced illness, a difficult emotional state, depression — all kinds of things. But as soon as I understood why I had come into this world and what my mission was, everything changed in an extraordinarily positive direction.
So listen to yourself. Listen to your inner voice. It will tell you everything.
If you were to paint, as an artist, a portrait of the modern woman, what would that image look like on the canvas? What qualities, emotions, and inner states would define her in your vision?
To be honest, I am not very good at painting, but I saw the picture immediately when I read the question.
I would portray a woman made up of two halves.
One half would be an Amazon, a warrior woman. For some reason, the image of Xena, the Warrior Princess, immediately comes to mind: a woman ready to go “through fire and water” to protect her family, earn her share, and take care of the people she loves. A woman who can essentially do anything — perhaps with a sword in one hand and a strong, muscular right arm.
The left side, however, would be completely delicate and beautiful. I see a shimmering pink dress, a woman dancing at a Viennese ball, knowing how to rest, inspire, and express her sexuality and femininity.
For me, this combination is the essence of the most successful woman of the twenty-first century.
So many women live at one extreme or the other: “I am incredibly strong, I will do everything myself, I need no one,” or “I am very feminine, soft, delicate — almost a victim, come and save me.”
The ability to combine strength and femininity within one woman, and to move flexibly from one role to another, is the greatest strength of a woman in the twenty-first century.
The modern pace of life is extraordinarily fast: some people manage to adapt, while others do not. At this speed, we often gradually lose ourselves, ignoring the first signs of inner exhaustion. What steps would you recommend a woman take once she recognizes this loss and wants to find her way back to herself?
If a woman has already become aware of it, that is half the victory. But many people do not even notice what is happening.
That is why it is so important to conduct a daily “reality check”: Where am I right now? How did my day go? How do I feel on a scale from one to ten?
I recommend what I call my traffic-light rule.
A green light means: I have the strength, resources, and time for everything I planned for the day.
A yellow light is a warning signal: I have taken on too much and accumulated too much stress. At that point, it is worth writing down a clear list of priorities and deciding what can be delegated and what you can live without.
A red light is already an alarm — burnout that can begin affecting your physical condition.
That is why I recommend doing this reality check every day. Simply ask yourself: What can I handle? How do I feel? Am I comfortable with this?
I understand that the pace of life is insane and that this can be difficult. But it does not have to be complicated. Five minutes in the morning to tune into the day and five minutes in the evening to ask yourself how the day went. Nothing more is necessary.
Self-worth is discussed extensively today, yet in practice many women still find it difficult to defend their boundaries and say “no” without feeling guilty. What, in your view, lies at the root of this problem, and how can a woman learn to choose herself without inner conflict?
Here, I sincerely recommend seeking professional help. Why? Because when women struggle with their own boundaries, there is almost always some kind of trauma at the foundation, usually originating in childhood.
At some point, a specific event occurred, and the woman made a decision about herself. In order to survive in the world, she adopted a particular strategy: to earn love, to be perfect in order to be liked, to be noticed, to receive approval.
There are generally twelve different compensatory programs that can develop after trauma. I will not list them all, but it is important to understand the principle: there was a point of trauma, and a compensatory pattern developed afterward.
This is not the woman she truly wants to be. It is a suppressed, closed-off part of herself with which she now lives in a different way.
When a person enters conventional therapy — the kind that was still popular five years ago, when people would see psychologists for two, three, or four years — the work often begins precisely with this trauma, with what has been suppressed.
And a person can sometimes move into another extreme. On one hand, she continues trying to please everyone and saying that everything is fine. On the other, she begins defending her boundaries far too aggressively, shouting, “Get lost,” or “I am a woman, I have boundaries, and this is not okay.”
For me, it is important that when someone reads or hears my words, they recognize themselves: “Something is wrong. This is about me.”
Constantly adapting to another person, sacrificing your desires and boundaries, saying “I will do everything” because you want to earn love and respect or are afraid of losing the relationship — that is one extreme.
The opposite is saying, “I tell everyone to get lost. I owe you nothing.” That is another extreme, and it is not healthy either.
So what is healthy?
Talking about it. Communicating in an emotionally healthy way.
Many people say, “But my partner is not used to this.” Interestingly, when a woman changes — when she stops fighting for her boundaries and instead simply communicates where they are and expects them to be respected — the reaction of those around her changes.
Because the more we fight against something, the more power it has over us.
Change happens only when we accept something, integrate it, and say: Yes, this is a part of me.
When a woman is emotionally mature and knows where her boundaries lie, she knows how to show them so beautifully that those around her accept them without a struggle or the need to prove anything.
I compare it to a swan gliding at its own pace, knowing what it wants. That is magnetic. It draws people in.
The scenarios can be different. A partner may step away and someone else may enter her life. Or a woman may spend some time alone and feel completely comfortable with it. Sometimes the opposite happens: her partner sees the change in her state and begins to change himself.
That is why it is so important to work on yourself until setting boundaries becomes something that feels natural and empowering, something that comes from deep within — from the feeling, “I have value. I am here. I allow myself to be here” — rather than from struggle and the need to prove something.
You also mentor aspiring psychologists. How do you structure this process of professional guidance? What values and philosophy do you bring to your work with those who are only beginning their path in psychology?
I dream of opening my own school of psychology one day.
Why? Because today, in the twenty-first century, I observe the following: on the one hand, there are psychologists who have studied primarily from books, passed their examinations brilliantly, yet lack a certain sensitivity to the client and to the therapeutic field when working with people.
On the other hand, there are people who are highly perceptive, know how to work with clients, and identify themselves as energy practitioners or ThetaHealing practitioners, yet lack theoretical knowledge and scientific explanations.
I have a classical psychological education, and I continue to study constantly. I studied Svitlana Buhelo’s TRIF method, which is based on hypnocoaching. At present, I am studying quantum psychology and channeling, exploring this world from different perspectives.
So I understand how difficult it can be for beginners. It is not always clear how to communicate with a client, what to pay attention to, how to sense their field, and, most importantly, how to enter and leave a session while remaining in your own resource.
This is extraordinarily important because, on the one hand, a psychologist cannot immerse themselves in the client’s emotions and experience them alongside the client — it will ultimately destroy them.
On the other hand, they cannot be detached and indifferent. Otherwise, they will not be able to show the client a path through their difficulties or toward their dreams.
I believe psychology will increasingly move toward the dimension of state in the coming years. Clients will come with a particular state, and in order to help them, the psychologist will need to work on their own state as well.
This is what I can offer beginners.
And again, my dream is to open my own school one day.
I have already gone through several such “circles of hell,” as in Dante, and I continue to learn constantly. It is important to me not only to feel something, but also to be able to explain it — not to fall into either extreme esotericism or extreme scientific rationalism, but to find a middle ground.
I believe in different energies of the world and in its dynamic nature, while at the same time I am always looking for a scientific explanation.
That is why my approach can work for different kinds of people. With those who are more rational, I can explain things from a scientific perspective. With those who rely more strongly on their feelings, we work through those sensations. And it works.
Your work also touches on the subject of the body and weight, including helping women who struggle to accept themselves. How are the subconscious mind, emotional state, and body interconnected? And where should the journey toward self-acceptance begin when the goal is to move beyond struggle?
I wrote my guide, 21 Days to the Body of Your Dreams, and I have developed my own formula for achieving a healthy figure, which I recommend to women because I work on three levels: thoughts, emotions, and the body.
I also have personal experience. I lost 25 kilograms and maintained my weight for almost five years, until health problems emerged and I regained the weight.
Now I am gradually returning to my previous shape through my own formula.
The first thing we begin with is work with the subconscious mind and psyche. This is incredibly important.
At the same time, my clients undergo medical checkups, monitor their nutrition, and introduce physical activity — comfortable activity, without necessarily spending hours lifting weights at the gym or running ten kilometers.
Each woman chooses her own form of activity and nutrition based on her test results.
But the most important element is precisely the work with the subconscious.
At one of my programs, there was a woman who lost three kilograms in three weeks while barely changing her diet.
I will share a little secret.
On the first day of the program, I told the women: today and tomorrow, you can eat absolutely anything you want.
Many were surprised. Aren’t we doing a weight-loss program?
But this is what happened: we gave the brain a signal that there were no restrictions.
And starting Wednesday, we begin choosing ourselves consciously rather than through prohibition.
In theory, you can eat anything, both today and tomorrow, but we choose the version of ourselves we want to become three weeks from now.
And it really helps because we “trick” the brain by showing it that there are no restrictions, and women begin to make their own choices to avoid what is not beneficial for them. In addition, I recommended having a “pleasure window” once a week — not a cheat meal, but 15–30 minutes on the same day each week when you can eat whatever you enjoy most and perhaps miss in your everyday diet: a piece of cake, salo, borscht, varenyky — anything you like, but without gadgets, allowing yourself to fully experience the taste.
The brain knows that this “window” will come and receives those emotions in full. Then, on Monday, we consciously choose ourselves again.
When we show the brain that everything is possible, yet choose what serves our goal, it works remarkably well.
That woman from the program continued to monitor her nutrition and physical activity, walking regularly, and over five months, from March through July, she lost 10 kilograms.
It is a wonderful result, and I am genuinely pleased with it.
Relationships are not only about feelings, but also about responsibility, inner foundations, and, of course, financial reality. You work with women who find themselves in relationships where they are not valued but cannot leave. What deeper reasons keep a person in such situations, and how can she find the resources within herself to change them?
Fear. That is it. Fear is what keeps a woman in a relationship in which she is unhappy. One reason may be emotional dependence. A woman sees a man as the only person who loves and accepts her as she is — even if he hits her, abuses her, or drinks.
Having experienced even one moment of understanding and love from him, she becomes afraid of losing it. Another reason is financial dependence. A woman who could find herself without a roof over her head the next day and not know how she would feed her children will, naturally, hold on to such a relationship.
That is why I always teach my clients how important it is to be a fulfilled woman.
I am not talking about millions or becoming a businesswoman who works fourteen hours a day. I am talking about fulfillment through your own potential.
For me, a successful woman is one who has realized her potential while also creating a happy relationship.
Many women do not believe this is possible and live at one extreme or the other: either they are serious businesswomen who work from morning until night, or they are happy wives who are completely financially supported by their husbands.
Both are extremes.
I teach women to find the middle ground.
Six or seven years ago in Ukraine, back when the Russian-speaking space was still dominant, there were many women’s courses teaching women to “boost their energy” and satisfy their husbands while the men paid for everything.
I do not condemn that. If that is the arrangement a couple has chosen, there is nothing inherently wrong with it.
But it is important to understand that every woman also has her own potential, and unrealized potential can make her unhappy even when her husband pays for everything.
I advocate for fulfillment through potential — not working like a horse from morning until night without seeing your husband or children, but unfolding like a flower.
Every woman has her own gift. Someone paints, someone knits, someone writes books, someone is an excellent doctor or nurse.
Today, in the age of the internet, there are opportunities to express yourself and earn money through social media or online products. The most important thing is the desire to do so.
Every woman can fulfill her potential, earn with ease by living her purpose, and at the same time be a loved wife and build a beautiful relationship.
At home and within a relationship, she does not try to prove that she can earn more than her husband, even if she actually can. Instead, she respects his strength and ambitions.
In simple terms: at work, a woman can be a warrior who achieves everything through her potential, intelligence, and feminine diplomacy. At home and in her relationship, she can be a woman who knows how to enjoy rest and the smallest things — morning coffee, an evening bath, a warm shower.
And a man feels that: the lightness, the playfulness, the feminine ease. He responds to it with gifts, shared journeys, and experiences together.
The most important thing is to understand that each of us carries both masculine and feminine qualities within us.
And when we know how to draw upon each according to the situation, we live in greater harmony with ourselves, our partner, and the world.
Photo credit: olenakovalyk_ph
