Yuliia Samoilenko: "Your life has meaning"

Yuliia Samoilenko is a master's degree in psychology and sexologist, a specialist who combines a tandem of academic knowledge with practical methods of modern psychotherapy. In the time, which is increasingly called the time of true healing, Mrs. Yuliia's approach is based on attention to the person, not only to the words spoken, but also to what sounds between them. In the new interview, we talk about the path to the profession through our own experience of transformation, about the portrait of a modern woman, emotional maturity in relationships, fatigue that accumulates in the body and psyche, and about how to restore unconditional connection with yourself.

Ms. Yuliia, I would like to start our interview today with your words, which I am very impressed: "I am not just listening - I hear". Tell us, please, what was the beginning of your professional history to the master's degree in psychology and sexology?

The phrase: "I don't just listen - I hear", in fact, may seem trivial. However, a psychologist, psychotherapist not only hears a person through the speech of words, that is, verbally, but also reads non-verbal communication using body language (facial expressions, gestures, posture), voice (intonation, tempo), gaze, which often expresses true feelings and attitudes, complementing or even contradicting words. Both languages of communication are extremely important, but it is the non-verbal one that is often more important for the perception of emotions and intentions.

I've loved reading books since I was a teenager, not what my peers usually chose, but Nietzsche's "On the Other Side of Good and Evil," "The Book of Aphorisms," Marcus Aurelius "Alone with myself. Reflections", etc., because even then I was interested in the question of finding meanings, and how our spiritual world is formed (religion is not meant). But, at that time, after graduating from school, my parents were categorically against getting the specialty of a psychologist, so I chose the economic direction and entered it. After receiving her first higher education, she worked in her specialty, at that time psychology remained a hobby. Then I get married, become a mother of two children, and face a condition that is familiar to many women, but not everyone dares to talk about it ... it is postpartum depression and burnout, catastrophic weight gain. I understand that it is no longer possible. I start my own therapy and even more delve into psychology, work a lot with emotions and body and eventually lose 55 kg of weight. The turning point in life is the loss of a loved one. Then came the total realization that there would be one life, but there would be no second attempt, and I entered the Department of Psychology. The beginning of a full-scale war in Ukraine strengthened the correctness of the decision, because requests for psychological help were growing rapidly. Since I am a mother of a son and daughter, as well as a psychologist, I was interested in the sex education of my children. Unfortunately, in our country there are very few informative and educational resources for sex education of children and adolescents, taking into account their vulnerability and the correctness of the presentation of information according to age, and this was the reason for further education in sexual education and coaching, and then training as a sexologist and sex therapist with further European certification.

What is the portrait of a modern woman in your eyes?

A modern Ukrainian woman is a person who lives in conditions of chronic instability, but at the same time remains functional, strong, and collected. She often did not choose this force - she was cultivated in it by circumstances, does not expect security, but creates it as much as she can.

He often holds many roles at the same time. Many Ukrainian women have an extremely adaptive psyche, so they quickly navigate crises and are able to act even in a state of exhaustion. Often it is the main or even the only emotional center of the system because it supports children, parents, partner at the same time, develops in the profession, creates and manages its own business, and empathy and care are a huge resource, and at the same time a risk zone for burnout.

A modern Ukrainian woman is not a "superheroine". She is a living person in superhuman conditions.

Her strength is real. Her fatigue is real. Her need for warmth, closeness and support is also real.

And the real healing does not begin when she becomes even stronger, but when she no longer needs to hold on all the time.

In your practice, you work with topics that often remain behind the scenes of open conversations - shame, guilt, carnality and intimacy. In times of constant tension and exhaustion, many people face the fact that not only emotional but also sexual sensitivity disappears. How do you explain this process and where do you think the path to recovery should begin?

In my practice, I often see that people perceive the disappearance of emotional or sexual sensitivity as a "fromage" - something wrong, shameful, something that needs to be corrected urgently. In fact, in most cases this is not a problem, but an adaptation. During constant tension, danger and exhaustion, the psyche and body go into survival mode. And survival and sensitivity are different modes of the nervous system.

When a person lives in stress for a long time, his body focuses on the basic tasks: to be alert, to control, to endure. In this state, access to subtle sensations - pleasure, excitement, desire, emotional openness - is reduced. Sexuality and intimacy need security, relaxation and inner permission to feel. And where the body is constantly tense, where there is no opportunity to "espeale", these functions are naturally muffled.

Shame and guilt play a separate role in this process. Many people carry an unconscious message: "Now is not the time for pleasure", "I can't want it", "It's selfish". In combination with physical exhaustion, these attitudes further distance a person from his own sensitivity and body. As a result, not only sexual desire disappears, but also the feeling of liveliness in general.

Therefore, the path to recovery, in my opinion, should begin not with the questions of "how to return sex", but from a much more basic level - the return of security and contact with yourself. The first step is to recognize that what is happening makes sense. Instead of fighting the body, it is important to learn to listen to it: to notice fatigue, tension, the need for pause, warmth, support. Without this, any attempts to "awaken" sensitivity will be perceived by the body as another pressure.

Next is the work with the nervous system: the restoration of the ability to relax, feel resistance, be "here and now". When the base level of anxiety decreases, the sensitivity begins to return naturally, without coercion. And only on this basis does it make sense to talk about corporeality, intimacy and sexuality - not as a duty or an indicator of norm, but as a living, individual process.

It is important to remember: sexual sensitivity does not disappear forever. It can temporarily "go into the shadows" to protect a person and preserve the resource in difficult conditions. And the path to its restoration begins not with a demand for oneself, but with softness, permission and a gradual return of confidence - to the body, to one's own sensations and to life.

In relationships, many people face fatigue, emotional distance and loss of intimacy, but do not always understand where to start recovery. What signals indicate that a couple or a person already needs professional support?

In a relationship, fatigue and distance rarely appear suddenly. Most often this is a gradual process that people get used to and which they try to "stand" for a long time on their own. In my practice, I see that professional support becomes necessary not when "everything is destroyed", but much earlier - at the moment when internal resources begin to run out, and intimacy no longer recovers by itself.

One of the first signals is the feeling of chronic fatigue from a relationship. When contact with a partner ceases to be a place of recovery, but on the contrary, it takes away strength, causes tension or internal devastation. People often describe this as a state in which "we seem to be together, but I feel lonely".

The second important signal is emotional distance, which does not decrease even after rest, conversation or time together. When the desire to share the inner disappears, and the conversations are limited to everyday life or discussing problems, it indicates that something unspoken has accumulated between the partners - resentments, fears, disappointments. They are the ones who gradually supplant the feeling of closeness.

Another marker is the constant repetition of the same conflicts.

When the pair returns to the same topics over and over again, but the solution does not come, it means that the problem lies deeper than it seems on the surface. In such cases, people often speak different languages without hearing each other's true needs.

An important signal is also bodily and emotional reactions: the disappearance of heat, touch, sexual desire or, conversely, an increase in irritation, tension, indifference. The body reacts very accurately to emotional distance, even if the mind tries to deny it.

Separately, it is worth paying attention to the moments when there is a feeling of hopelessness: thoughts like "it's always like this", "nothing will change", "I'm tired of trying". This does not mean the end of the relationship, but it does mean that the internal resources for change are no longer enough.

For one person, the signal for help can be a constant feeling of loneliness even in a couple, for another — loss of contact with their own desires, body, emotions. Professional support is needed when a person or couple can no longer return intimacy on their own and instead of moving forward only repeat the same scenario.

Contacting a specialist is not a sign of weakness or defeat of the relationship. It's a way to stop, see what's really going on between two people, and give these processes room for change. Often, timely support allows not only to restore intimacy, but also to build it on a deeper, more honest level.

Today I would like to pay special attention to the topic of emotional maturity in relationships. What steps are correct on the way to conscious contact with yourself?

Emotional maturity in a relationship does not begin with a partner and not with the "right" actions outside, but with internal contact with oneself. In my practice, I see that it is his absence that most often leads to repeated scenarios, dependence on the other, insults or emotional detachment. Conscious contact with oneself is not a one-time action, but a process that gradually forms internal resistance.

The first step is to learn to notice your states, not to run away from them. Many people are used to suppressing fatigue, anxiety, anger or sadness, considering them "wrong". Emotional maturity begins with allowing yourself to feel and admit: this is exactly how it is with me now. Do not analyze immediately, do not correct, but be with this condition for at least a few minutes. This forms a basic honesty with yourself.

The second step is to take responsibility for your reactions. The mature position consists not in not feeling complex emotions, but in understanding: what I feel is mine. The partner may be the trigger, but not the source of my internal processes. The ability to distinguish one's own feelings from the actions of another is one of the key signs of mature contact.

The third important step is contact with the body. The body itself is the first to signal overload, danger, discomfort or, conversely, interest and warmth. People who lose contact with bodily sensations often lose the ability to feel themselves in a relationship. Regularly returning attention to breathing, tension, fatigue, or pleasure is a simple but profound way to stay in reality.

The fourth step is the ability to set boundaries without guilt. Conscious contact with oneself is impossible if a person constantly betrays his own needs for the sake of preserving relationships. Emotional maturity is the ability to say "I don't like that" or "I need a break" without devaluing either yourself or others. Boundaries are not about distance, but about maintaining contact.

The fifth step is to allow you to be imperfect. Many people confuse maturity with self-control and constant "correctness". In fact, maturity is the ability to notice one's mistakes, admit them and return to contact. Where there are strict requirements for oneself, vitality disappears and internal tension increases.

And finally, an important step is regular reflection: asking yourself not “who is to blame”, but “what is happening to me and what I really need”. Such an internal dialogue gradually forms the support from which a person enters into a relationship not from the position of deficit, but from the position of presence.

Conscious contact with oneself is the path from automatic reactions to choice, from dependence to reciprocity. And it is from this soil that relationships grow, in which there is a place for intimacy, freedom, and for a real meeting of two adults.

I propose now to imagine that you and I are somewhere on the seashore ... And we have many postcards that we will send to every woman on the planet. What message would you write?

The sea reminds me of variability. About the fact that each wave is individual and unique in size, strength, height, colors and never remains the same. And here I want to quote Viktor Frankl: "Remember: Your life has meaning because you exist. Even if you don't feel it right now.”

Because meaning is not something that needs to be proven or sought.

The meaning is what you choose, even in the most difficult period of life.

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