Marharyta Bashutina: "Don't rush to become the best version of yourself"

The February issue of BOMOND VIP fashion magazine is dedicated to women. Each of us. The one who feels, who, despite everything in the world, is not broken and not late. Who could get lost among roles and other people's expectations. A new interview about the right to one's own life. The new DIGITAL cover in the lead role with Ms. Marharyta Bashutina, a psychotherapist and sexologist, ambassador of our gloss, is dedicated to true strength, attractiveness, inner freedom and a beautiful story in which each of us is in the lead role. "Feel deeper, speak more honestly" ...these words today become the beginning of a new column of the magazine "Female motivation".

Mrs. Marharyta, I am very happy that today you became the main character of the DIGITAL cover of our magazine. I am extremely impressed by the way you position yourself in your own business.

What was the beginning of your story to the role of a psychotherapist, psychologist-sexologist?

My path to psychotherapy began not with curiosity and not with a beautiful dream of a profession.

Like many psychotherapists, he started with an attempt to save himself.

From the age of twenty, strange things began to happen to me.

In moments of crisis, the limb was deducted, the vision "floated", and the periphery of the eye suffered.

The body seemed to turn off - quietly, without screaming, but very scary.

At that time, I did not know the words "psychosomatics", "nervous system", "chronic tension".

I just knew one thing: something was wrong with me, and I don't know what exactly.

By the age of 28, the crisis had become so frequent that I was seriously afraid of stroke and paralysis.

I lived in a state of constant anxiety for my body.

Examination. Analyses. Doctors.

Again, the same thing:

"You are healthy."

"According to the analysis, everything is perfect."

"I maybe overworked."

This "probably" sounded more terrible than any diagnosis.

Because the body screamed, and there was no explanation.

And then I had to admit:

If medicine does not find a cause, it means that it is deeper.

Inside.

In the way I lived, endured, dragged, kept silent, ignored myself.

I went to therapy not by profession.

I went there to stop being afraid of my own body.

To understand why it so desperately asks to stop.

Over time came the realization:

My body didn't break, it protected me.

It took on what the psyche could no longer withstand.

If psychotherapy could be depicted in a picture, what would it be in your vision? What colors, images would convey her truth?

If psychotherapy could be hung on the wall, it would not be a glossy painting and not a motivational poster. That's for sure!

It would be a large canvas, a little uneven, with visible strokes.

In places, even with cracks. Because the truth is rarely perfectly smooth.

The colors are deep.

A lot of warm dark blue, like the night sky, where you are finally left alone with yourself.

Layers of graphite and gray - about what was silenced for a long time, displaced, "out of time".

And necessarily warm ochre, almost corporeal, like skin, as living present next to each other.

In the center is not a hero or a winner.

A man sitting quietly. Without a pose. Without a mask.

Maybe even with your shoulders down, because here you can stop holding on....

Next to it is another figure. Not from above. Not a rescuer.

A little on the side.

The one who endures. Looks. Remains.

No advice. Without "pull yourself together." Without instructions "how to live properly".

The light in this picture is soft.

It is not blinding. It does not "enlighten".

It just allows you to see.

And most importantly, there is no final point on this canvas.

There is no "healed" signature.

There is no happy ending.

Psychotherapy is not about "becoming different".

It's about allowing yourself to be yourself for the first time.

No tension.

No performance.

For real.

What is the portrait of a modern woman in your eyes?

In my eyes, a portrait of a modern woman is not a perfect face and not a verified image.

This is a woman with a look that has depth that you can no longer hide with makeup or roles.

She can be strong and at the same time allow herself weakness.

He can pull a lot on himself, but more and more often he asks: "Do I really need it?"

She has learned to survive, but now she is learning to live.

Her beauty is not in smoothness.

And in life.

In wrinkles from laughter and in pauses, where she finally hears herself.

A modern woman does not want to be "comfortable".

But he does not want to fight the whole world!

She asks herself many questions about love, about meaning, about limits, about pleasure.

And not all of them have answers. Unfortunately or fortunately))

This is a woman who is tired of proofing.

And gradually allows itself to be.

Not perfect.

Not always strong.

But it's real.

That's my portrait.

We live in a time when constant pressure and expectations from the environment can undermine self-confidence. How can a woman restore inner confidence and motivation to act in unison with her own desires?

We really live in a time when a woman is constantly kept under fire:

Be successful, but not too successful

Be strong, but feminine

Be self-sufficient, but more comfortable

Be realized, but do not forget "about the main thing".

And at some point, faith in yourself begins to fall apart not because something is wrong with a woman,

But because there are too many voices around and unfortunately there is almost no of her own.

The restoration of inner confidence does not begin with motivational phrases.

And definitely not with "get together and leave".

It starts with a return to yourself.

The first is to stop and answer honestly:

Is this my wish or expected?

Do I now live out of love for myself or out of fear of not answering?

Am I tired or lazy and do I have the right to pause?

The second step is to reduce the noise.

Fewer comparisons.

Less advice "how to do it right".

Less other people's scenarios, where you have a role, but not a place.

Confidence does not grow in the constant background of other people's assessments.

The third is to regain contact with the body.

Motivation is not just about the head.

It's about the feeling of liveliness.

About sleep, movement, touch, pleasure.

A woman who constantly ignores the body sooner or later loses access to desires.

The fourth is to allow yourself small actions.

Not big breakthroughs.

Don't “change your life in 30 days.”

And the steps after which it does not get worse.

Confidence is born not from an ideal, but from experience: I did, and this world did not collapse.

And most importantly, stop waiting for the moment when there will be complete confidence.

She won't be there! Don't dream!

She comes in the process.

When a woman allows herself to act not perfectly, but truly.

To be in unison with your own desire -

It's not about selfishness.

It's about inner honesty.

And from honesty there is always strength.

What psychological techniques help to flourish faith in one's own strength every day?

Do you really hear your wishes?

Ok, you hear me.

Do you really realize them?

Because hearing your desires and doing nothing with them is still about the habit of enduring.

About "then". About "not now". About "not on time".

But to hear your wishes -

And begin to implement them, even if not perfectly, even in small steps -

This is the path on which faith in oneself appears.

This is the coolest psychological technique.

Not from affirmations.

And from experience:

I wanted to - and I did.

I chose - and the world did not collapse.

I trusted myself and endured.

And with each such step, it becomes quieter inside.

Because you don't argue with yourself anymore.

You are on your side.

This is where true faith in oneself is born.

As a psychologist-sexologist with 15 years of experience, you often observe that women limit themselves in the manifestation of their own natural emancipation and sexual freedom. What prevents you from feeling more open and confident in your own body and desires?

As a psychologist-sexologist with many years of practice, I very often see the same story -

The woman did not lose her natural sexuality, she just learned to restrain it.

The most disturbing thing is not the body and not the "low libido".

The internal system of prohibitions interferes.

First of all, shame, which was formed over the years.

The messages "it's ugly", "it's too much", "good girls don't do that" settle in the body deeper than it seems.

A woman can be an adult, successful, intelligent and at the same time be ashamed of her own desires, even alone with herself.

The second is the fear of judgment and loss of love.

Many women unconsciously believe: if I am too alive, too sensual, I will not be accepted, I will be abandoned, I will be condemned.

Therefore, sexuality begins to live "in the middle of breath".

The third is alienation from the body.

Women are used to looking at themselves through the eyes of others: how I look, not what I feel.

When the body becomes an object of evaluation, the pleasure disappears from it.

The fourth is the experience of pain.

Emotional, sexual, partner.

Even if he was "not very serious", the body still remembered: being open is dangerous.

And then closure becomes a defense.

And another important thing is the confusion between sexuality and duty.

When desire is replaced by the role of "need", "time", "time", the body ceases to want.

The return of emancipation and confidence does not begin with techniques and not with the advice of "be braver".

It starts with permission.

Permission to feel.

Permission to want.

Permission to be different - gentle, defiant, tired, lively.

A woman's sexual freedom is not about demonstration.

It's about inner security and contact with yourself.

And when this contact appears - The body remembers how to be alive.

If we talk about relationships, marriage, what helps to maintain living reciprocity and passion for years?

If it's very simple and human, without beautiful words -

Passion in a relationship is not based on marriage or "love forever", but on how you live with each other every day.

First, people stop wanting each other when they start living as a function.

He earns, she earns life, children, organization of life.

Everything works like a system.

But I don't want to in the system.

It is where there is a living person. The one who is sometimes tired, sometimes annoying, sometimes laughing, sometimes wanting sex just because she wants to.

Second, passion dies from silence.

When they don't say:

— you are not enough for me

— I'm bored

— I want something else

— it's important to me that you touch me, and not just live next to me

People endure for years, and then wonder why it doesn't pull.

From real life:

The couple may not have sex for months, but they hug, talk, laugh every day - and the desire returns.

Or maybe there is regular sex "on schedule", but without a look and warmth - and it's empty inside.

Another thing is too many "we" and zero "I".

When a woman does not have her own life and a man does not have his own, they become native, comfortable... and not sexual.

Desire appears where the partner is alive, interesting, not dissolved.

And very down to earth:

If you don't touch each other for years without a reason, don't kiss for nothing, don't lie next to each other - the body gets used to it.

Then you can say "we love" as much as you want, but the body does not believe.

And last but not least.

Passion stays where there is a choice.

We don't have to be together, but

"I choose you again."

Sometimes through a conversation.

Sometimes through sex.

Sometimes through a difficult period.

Nothing supernatural.

Just living people who have not stopped being alive with each other.

Quite often we try to be "right" for everyone ... to meet expectations, to maintain an ideal image, to live according to the principle of a "good girl". Why do you think this scenario becomes a trap so often? And what helps a woman get out of it without losing herself?

The "good girl" scenario becomes a trap because it seems safe.

As a child, he really worked: if I am comfortable, quiet, trying, I am loved, not scolded, not rejected. And the psyche remembers it as a way of survival.

The problem is that in adulthood this scenario is no longer about love -

It's about constant tension.

And gradually she will lose contact with herself.

Because when you listen all the time to how you should be, you stop hearing who you are.

This is also a trap because the "good" are not really chosen.

They are used, they get used to them, they expect even more.

And inside grows resentment, fatigue, emptiness and questions:

"Where am I in all this?"

To get out of this scenario does not mean to become rude, selfish or "bad".

It means growing up.

What helps?

First, to notice where you do something out of fear, not out of desire.

Do not change your life dramatically, but honestly catch the moments:

I agree now, because I want to - or because I'm afraid? Remember, we already talked about desire on some issue...

Second, let yourself not be liked by everyone.

This is a painful but very liberating step.

Because it is impossible to be alive and comfortable for everyone at the same time.

I'll remind you, I'm also a blogger, and this is another exam. It's like you're on stage all the time.

And it is very easy to roll back into the role of "convenient", "neat", "such as not to trigger anyone".

But then the main thing disappears - liveliness.

Third, to regain the right to feelings.

Anger, irritation, desire, "it doesn't suit me" are not a spoiled character, they are signals of a living person.

And most importantly, the internal shift:

With "I have to deserve"

“I already have the right to be.”

When a woman leaves the role of a "good girl",

She doesn't lose herself.

She finds herself for the first time.

And it is from this moment that true strength, attractiveness and inner freedom appear.

I propose now to imagine that you and I are somewhere on the seashore ... And we have many postcards that we will send to every woman on the planet. What message would you write?

I would write like this.

Dear woman,

Wherever you are now, know that you are fine now.

You're not broken.

I'm not late.

Not "under...".

You could get tired, get confused, lose yourself among roles, expectations and other people's voices - but you didn't disappear.

You're just somewhere inside, waiting for them to come back to you again.

Don't rush to become a better version of yourself!

First, become alive.

The one who feels. Wants. Angry. Rejoicing. He is wrong. Chooses.

Allow yourself to live not "right", but for real.

Not for approval.

Not for compliance.

And for myself.

And if today you can do at least one small thing for yourself, do it.

This is where the return home begins.

You have the right to your life.

On your body.

On your wishes.

To their freedom.

With love.

A woman who also once remembered herself.

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