Alina Deorditsa. About the ability to see people with their inner music, advice on choosing a psychotherapist and adult self-esteem

"I work according to protocols, but I always see not a "case" in front of me, but a living person with his own pace, history and inner music."

It talks about the cause of life ... as an art in which there are feelings of resistance and a desire to hear yourself. Alina Deorditsa is a psychologist and psychotherapist, for whom the profession has become an unconditional mission and an inner voice. Today, on the pages of BOMOND VIP magazine, we present a festive DIGITAL cover on the birthday of a beautiful heroine, a conversation with which reveals an important truth: "You have the right to be yourself in every state - in love, in search, in silence."

Mrs. Alina, I'll be honest, I was looking forward to our conversation. Between the lines of your posts, which became the beginning of the first acquaintance with you, I found a huge meaning. And today I want to start the interview with your words that I remember the most: "True value is what is inside us, not in someone's eyes" ...

Tell us, please, what was the beginning of your personal story before the role of a psychologist?

I didn't come to therapy with the intention of becoming a psychologist — I came because I couldn't cope. I had anxiety, panic attacks, a complicated relationship with my controlling mother and a constant feeling that I could not cope with all this - especially after moving from Kherson to Kyiv. I was not looking for advice, but for solutions. And it is this approach that has become the main principle of my work now. Therapy then became the point where the feeling of resistance first appeared.

At that time, I was a student of a completely different specialization - a jazz singer and conductor. And although life has led a different path, this experience still affects my style of work. In jazz, there is structure, rhythm, laws - but there is also a place for the individuality of the performer. The same goes for psychotherapy: I work according to protocols, but I always see in front of me not a "case", but a living person with his own pace, history and internal music.

Then I went to study - first for myself, to understand how it works, why it hurts, how to find a way to myself. And later I noticed that my thoughts on social networks began to respond to people - and then it became obvious: this is not just my process, this is my business and my mission.

Since then, I have invested more than $10,000 in my education, completed more than 900 hours of personal therapy, teach at two psychological schools, work according to European standards, undergo advanced training in Vienna and obtain a master's degree in clinical psychology in Geneva.

Many people think that becoming a psychologist is easy: a few months of study, and you are already a specialist. But in fact, behind this profession there are years of investment, endurance and honesty with yourself. Because you can't take a person where you've never been.

How do you see a portrait of a modern woman?

For me, a modern woman is not about "in time for everything". I believe that this era of the image of the "superwoman", who must be perfect in everything, is gradually leaving. We are finally starting to return to the present – to ourselves.

A modern woman does not try to be everything and for everyone. She knows how to stop, exhale, say "it's hard for me now" - and not consider it a weakness. She allows herself not to know, not to drag, not to justify herself. She allows herself to live - with different states, emotions, desires.

She is not lost in the fact that social networks are broadcast, she does not measure her value with other people's stories. She either already knows herself or is in the process of cognition — and she does it not out of scarcity, but out of respect for her own depth. She does not lose herself in relationships and does not live under the pressure of the thoughts that "she should be".

I am close to a woman who values the inner quality of life - clarity, peace, self-respect.

She does not chase approval, because she already understands: her value is not in how she looks, but in how she feels, builds her world and treats herself.

She allows herself to be different-rational and sensitive, decisive and gentle. She can run a business, cry in therapy, laugh with friends and wear her favorite dress — and remain herself in each of these moments.

This is a woman who no longer proves - she allows herself to live. and this, in my opinion, is the biggest break in the template of our time.

I am extremely impressed by the fact that in the modern world the desire to take care of one's inner state is no longer something unacceptable and strange. In your business of life, you provide a foothold - it's worth it. What criteria would you advise to pay attention to when choosing a psychotherapist?

Psychotherapy is not just “talking”. This is a deep, structured work that requires professionalism, ethics and trust. And choosing a therapist is not a choice of a “pleasant conversation”, but a person with whom you will touch the most vulnerable places.

I always advise you to look wider than a good page or a diploma. Yes, education is an important, but no less important quality of presence and maturity of the specialist himself. Because a good therapist does not reinforce your fears or beliefs with which you came — he helps you see what is behind them and find a way to solve them.

There are a few things that are really worth paying attention to:

• Education and supervision. This is the base. The professional is constantly learning, undergoing supervision to hold the boundaries and see more widely than his own experience.

• Personal therapy. If the specialist did not go his own way, he would not be able to guide you through yours. In my experience, more than 900 hours of personal therapy, and that's what gives me not only knowledge, but depth.

• Method and structure. It is important to ask in which direction the therapist works, whether he keeps records, whether he gives homework. This shows how much the process has logic and dynamics, rather than turning into chaotic conversations.

• Meanings that the specialist carries. Pay attention to whether he speaks, thinks, looks at the world responds to you. A therapist is not just knowledge, it is a person with his own philosophy. If you are close to his vision, values and way of thinking, then you will have a contact in which you can grow.

• Ethics and confidentiality. A serious specialist always works under a confidentiality agreement and adheres to European standards — this is not a formality, but a guarantee of your safety.

• Contact and sincerity. Speak about your feelings directly, even if they concern the therapist himself. The best therapy starts where you can say: “I'm uncomfortable”, “I'm angry” or “I'm having a hard time right now”. It is in this honesty that true contact and a new experience of intimacy are born.

In my practice, I work according to European standards, have a confidentiality agreement, a clear structure of sessions and deep respect for the process. My goal is not just to support, but to help a person find a solution, see himself more clearly and start acting. Because psychotherapy is not about discussion, but about transformation.

I often tell my clients:

“The effect of therapy is as profound as you are willing to open up. If you are silent, there will be no insight. I don't create meanings — I help you see yours.”

It is then that the feeling of support appears - not from the outside, but from the inside.

Today I would like to raise the topic of the famous boundary between good and the role of sacrifice. How to learn to say "no" when it is so manifested by this desire to be comfortable and not to hurt even where the line is crossed?

Many people think that “no” is a conflict. Imagining that conflict is something aggressive, a quarrel or a fight.

Although in fact, these are just two thoughts that do not coincide. And most importantly, they may not coincide.

We often agree not because we want to, but because we are afraid to seem selfish, rude or “not like that”. Especially women - we have been taught for years to be comfortable, calm, grateful. But behind this is often exhaustion and irritation, which we then carry in ourselves.

In therapy, I often say, "When you say yes," think about who exactly do you say no to at this moment: to yourself or to someone else?"

This is the most honest test on the edge.

You can learn to say "no" only through practice - at first it is uncomfortable, with doubts, but then comes a feeling of peace and self-respect.

It is important not to wait for confidence to appear, but to start with honesty:

“It doesn't suit me.”

“I can't right now.”

"I'll think about it."

Every "no" is not at the end of a relationship, as everyone imagines, but where honesty begins.

This is the moment when you stop negotiating with yourself and begin to live in harmony with your limits.

Yes, sometimes guilt comes after that — but guilt doesn't always mean you did something wrong. Often it's just a sign that you're doing it in a new way.

Saying “no” is not about toughness. It's about adulthood, about respect for one's own life and the courage not to lose yourself, even if it's uncomfortable for someone.

Because after all, boundaries are not about distance. It's about how close you can be without betraying yourself.

We are often the strictest judges. How to learn to distinguish constructive self-criticism from destructive devaluation?

Each of us has an inner voice that can either help grow or beat self-esteem every day.

Constructive self-criticism asks, “What else can I do?”

The depreciation says, “I'm hopeless.”

The difference is in tone, not in words.

In cognitive-behavioral therapy, we work with these automatic thoughts — because they determine how we feel and what we do next.

Constructive thought leads to action, destructive thought leads to guilt, avoidance and paralysis.

Many people confuse development with self-punishment. They say to themselves, "I have to try harder," but they only feel shame. And then any movement stops.

In CBT, we learn to see this cycle: thought → emotion → action. And gradually change the tone of your thinking from “I should be better” to “I can understand that I failed and try again”.

I often tell clients: depreciation is not honesty with yourself, it is an old strategy that once helped to survive, but now it prevents you from living.

Because admitting mistakes without humiliation is already maturity.

Start listening to how you talk to yourself.

Tone is more important than content.

If there is sympathy in your words, even the harshest criticism will become a support.

And if there is only tension and shame - it is not true, it is pain that asks to be heard.

The moment you first say to yourself:

“I could be wrong — and I'm still worthy of respect,”

— from this moment begins not self-criticism,

And adult self-esteem..

As a therapist, you hear many stories of pain. How to maintain empathy without burning out, and not carry this pain with you after sessions?

First, it is regular self-therapy, supervision and continuous training. Without it, professionalism is impossible.

I was greatly influenced by the fact that I am also a crisis psychologist. Not everyone can withstand this training - they understand the topics of losses, injuries, crisis states. And maybe that's why over the years there are fewer and fewer topics that knock me out of the rut.

But there are things I don't change.

In my schedule, there is always a two-hour break for the dog, my dopamine. This is the time when I return to the body and to life outside of therapy.

Sunday is my holy day. I don't work, I don't respond to customers. It's time for yourself, for recovery, for your loved ones. And, of course, for rituals — procedures, silence, coffee, walks.

Another important point is travel. Once every two or three months I go abroad: alone, with friends or colleagues. This is my way of not losing the sense of breadth of life. Because friends are scattered all over the world, and meetings with them remind me why I chose this profession at all - to live, and not just work with someone else's pain.

I believe: in order to remain empathetic, you need to have a place to return to - not to other pain, but to your structural life.

I propose now to imagine that you and I are somewhere on the seashore ... And we have many postcards that we will send to every woman on the planet. What message would you write?

I would write:

Let yourself live.

Do not be correct, do not guess expectations, do not justify your strength or tenderness.

Allow yourself not to know, to doubt, to change, to get tired, to recover.

Not to run after life, but to meet it.

You have the right to be yourself in every state - in love, in search, in silence. You don't have to become "better", you have to become your own.

Happiness is not about controlling everything.

Happiness is in the feeling that you are at home inside yourself. And if my work teaches one thing, it is only this: the real luxury is when you no longer prove it, but simply live in harmony with yourself.

Sign up